I enter through the cave far out in the wide open field, i must have written about this place before, it is a dreamspace i sometimes visit. As it is with dreams one never knows when the next visit will be and how it will be that night in bright daylight. If there is ice on the river or not. If i have to cross it to a more familiar place, a place remembered from childhood, or if i just ride the white water through the narrowest of gap, where it is never dark. It's a river underground. I am somewhat scared but i know i have been there before, and i know i will be safe. Different then the blue sky above, i only go there when i am lucid, more on purpose, but i haven't been lucid for a long time. The sky, my wings amazing, but it is always trouble in my sky there are electrical wires i have to avoid. I better stay indoors, aerial dancing underneath big vaulted ceilings. The dancing always indoors, i do it to impress people. Not the flying, that is out there in the open, all by myself, happily. The underground river i often am there with others, but not really connected to them or concerned with them. They are just there as i am there. Yesterday i was chopped up, my limbs separated. It was fine, i was totally fine that way. The next night i was a teacher, i saw how my colleagues prepared this class to make bright red kites from newspapers. The kids were quite happy to not have the theory which my classes are full of, in which i come unprepared to teach them. Unpreparedness is the theme in any school related dream. These places really not as far removed from reality as my real reality. After a walk in the dark on the snow road through the forest i stepped in the shop and there was Don awake dreaming, i stood with him we shared a beer, we are an almost extinct species Don, we are dinosaurs Jozien. We do talk over skype with Jim in the Philippines we hear the roosters crowing. Our house in the middle of a forever forest that is forever blanketed in white this year. We haul water from the creek we chop wood from the forest surrounding our house, but these are chores far removed when i sit here behind the computer in my warm and cozy place, i do get hot flashes nowadays, Don snoring. The kids in the Philippines play basketball on the street every evening. I do wonder about kids here these days, kids attached to their iPads,beautiful kids teenagers to their iPhones, gorgeous teenagers, well to do adults attached to their pill boxes. Maybe it is all different dreamspaces. Nothing to be worried about, i know they are not.
ha! i went out to see my lover today :) oh yes she was there the glory of the first moment i see her again and she was ready for me, to carry me and as i sit on her bank listening to her talk, a soft gurgle under the ice, long ago summer talk. it made me wonder how do i assess my relationships if they are worth it if they make me feel i float. all mountains and rivers are magnificent, but i do not call all of them mine. there are the relationships that are, now here, real time. and there are the ones that could be, the potential ones. and then there are the ones to be treasured most they are the ones of real dream stuff they can never can be.
you know when they are when you ride the boat together and yes on top of the wave is easy, pure joy. even if you know deep down you will go under again but that moment the sun is shining and the sky is blue. and when you are down you know it by when there is no word spoken as he enters the house by the cold air that makes you shiver. the waves come and go you know it is real by it's immediate action.
and then there are relationship that could be. how do you know if they are real? my lover here this afternoon i know she is real because first i was able to get to her, it did take me some hard work, trees had fallen across the trail, the meadow before her coming was new, exciting, different then any time before and crawling through the dense willows that stood before her and like i told you; suddenly there she was! and she was ready to carry me, she was there for me. sometimes she is not ready but always will she let me sit on her banks and always will she listen and when i listen always will she talk. yes that is how i know she is real.and very much worth it.
Ah and then i dance an twirl because her skin so smooth because i am to be called spoiled, there is those, many, that i connect with inimitably and i know like clear ice. that it will never work yet i can save them for the last dance from here till eternity. they the ones that are always there for me riding on top of the wave never going down.
there is pink and light
and the stillness.
And last night the one cat sat on my lap
she being very clingy these days
and i cried for the other cat
and my husband said, yes
and probably that was his way of being sad too
or understand why i cried
And that seems like a beautiful moment in marriage
but don't be fooled we have been
together 25 years
and only marginally know eachother
more in the way
Oh i know where she's coming from
Maybe like i was been startled by a cow dozing
on my path in the dark of night
or that memory from the 80ish
that has not aged in the way when you look at
actual items of the 80ish
Is my coat retro or vintage?
She probably called it retro because
she does not shop at the salvation army.
And as i listen to a John and read a Jon
and remember my lover Shawn
my real question is
who decides when it is too much
too of anything
Like who gets locked up and who does not
if there was a fair system
Like if i had thoughts of killing someone and actually pressed my hands in a way where i could
Yes, we can say, but he really did kill, that is the difference Jozien
Don't worry, no one died
i didn't even fall through the ice
but does that make the ice strong enough?
So yes do tell me, how much do you love me?
Is it enough for me to keep hoping?
Where was the moment when it shifted?
Or did it?
And there is the sun!
the moon in the west
the sun in the east
And us somewhere in the middle maybe
and here a photo of yesterday's frozen lake that i skated on
I was researching on-line, if i could wash my hair with only water...
Anyway the point here is; for a while now i have been wondering if the whole Internet experience will implode on us.
And you know what also disturbs me greatly; That Canada is now bombing things. They hit a truck. Well whoopeyding,. And what i don't understand is, do people really think that when you start throwing things, the people you are throwing things at are going to be all lovey and sweet to you or at best leave you alone?
To me it just doesn't make sense.
And then there is Jian Gomeshi. He is been fired now for something that occurred some ten years ago?
They way i wrote this, all three topics, ehhh i don't get my point across very clearly, i might add here when some clear words arise in me.
As always i love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.
to die, i die for you
in swirling colors red and green and blue
gold and silver shining
black stones i hurl up in the sky
pulling down the clouds
how come when loving i do not even get close to what i really feel
only sometimes there are places being touched that make me scream, impossible to go farther
impossible for me to let it be
i have to go now
i gotta go i say
what is this normal life that pulls the hardest
taking me away from
how i would like to be
I vouch for people loving wildly
shattering the sky
this standing on the edge of the cliff
this wanting to fly
feeling your dry lips touch mine
my hips, that are merely hipbones
move move sway
into your total darkness
my wings that are still white
still 20 feet diameter
your black feathers all around as i fight
and you stand calm
untouched by my turmoil
i drop my head and out of the corner of my eye i see the blue metallic shine
everyday i have a new plan
of what is wrong now
and what was once so right
so very right
so chocolaty syrup
what were the pure chocolate bits that your beautiful fingers got out of the baggy and placed in my mouth
was it the touch of your fingers or that raw taste
of pure glory
i get up and fly
if only my wingtips could touch you
And it is me
the sharp edges
my colors forlorn
there we are.
We are exactly were we want to be,
Months later, a certain ordinary evening, a strip of light on the western horizon, just yesterday
the abundance of bones and backstrap, even flanks are glorious
knives being sharpened, that sound
If i only knew my self this intimately.
You know how big a liver is? Much larger then our large heart. Softer too.
And the toughness, so much beautiful smooth toughness in me too.
Ah and i whine i whine that certain needs no matter its abundance are not met.
I don't why so much pain over little things, why i dive into that pain and find nothing, just tears.
Waterfalls of it. Puddles, ponds, lakes full.
You know how much water a mountain holds?
I don't, but i know it is a lot
a lot more then these few tears
Please, know my needs.
If i can't understand, maybe you can understand me.