Sunday, November 9, 2014

And the world is beautiful

there is pink and light
morning blue
hoarfrost
and the stillness.
And last night the one cat sat on my lap
she being very clingy these days
and i cried for the other cat
and my husband said, yes
and probably that was his way of being sad too
or understand why i cried
And that seems like a beautiful moment in marriage
but don't be fooled we have been
together 25 years
and only marginally know eachother
more in the way
Oh i know where she's coming from
Maybe like i was been startled by a cow dozing
on my path in the dark of night
or that memory from the 80ish
that has not aged in the way when you look at
actual items of the 80ish
Is my coat retro or vintage?
She probably called it retro because
she does not shop at the salvation army.
And as i listen to a John and read a Jon
and remember my lover Shawn
my real question is
who decides when it is too much
too of anything
Like who gets locked up and who does not
if there was a fair system
Like if i had thoughts of killing someone and actually pressed my hands in a way where i could
Yes, we can say, but he really did kill, that is the difference Jozien
Is it?
Don't worry, no one died
i didn't even fall through the ice
but does that make the ice strong enough?
So yes do tell me, how much do you love me?
Is it enough for me to keep hoping?
Where was the moment when it shifted?
When?
Or did it?
And there is the sun!
the moon in the west
the sun in the east
And us somewhere in the middle maybe
and here a photo of yesterday's frozen lake that i skated on






Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I don't get it

I was researching on-line, if i could wash my hair with only water...

Anyway the point here is; for a while now i have been wondering if the whole Internet experience will implode on us.

And you know what also disturbs me greatly; That Canada is now bombing things. They hit a truck. Well whoopeyding,. And what i don't understand is, do people really think that when you start throwing things, the people you are throwing things at are going to be all lovey and sweet to you or at best leave you alone?

To me it just doesn't make sense.

And then there is Jian Gomeshi. He is been fired now for something that occurred some ten years ago?

They way i wrote this, all three topics, ehhh i don't get my point across very clearly, i might add here when some clear words arise in me.

As always i love to hear your thoughts. Thank you.



Friday, October 31, 2014

to die

to die, i die for you
in swirling colors red and green and blue
gold and silver shining
black stones i hurl up in the sky
pulling down the clouds
how come when loving i do not even get close to what i really feel
only sometimes there are places being touched that make me scream, impossible to go farther
impossible for me to let it be
i have to go now
i gotta go i say
what is this normal life that pulls the hardest
taking me away from
how i would like to be
I vouch for people loving wildly
shattering the sky

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

grasping

this standing on the edge of the cliff
this grasping
this wanting to fly
feeling your dry lips touch mine
fleetingly
my hips, that are merely hipbones
move move sway
into your total darkness
swirl swirl
my wings that are still white
still 20 feet diameter
your black feathers all around as i fight
and you stand calm
untouched by my turmoil
i drop my head and out of the corner of my eye i see the blue metallic shine
everyday i have a new plan
of what is wrong now
and what was once so right
so very right
so chocolaty syrup
what were the pure chocolate bits that your beautiful fingers got out of the baggy and placed in my mouth
was it the touch of your fingers or that raw taste
of pure glory
i get up and fly
leisurely
if only my wingtips could touch you

time will tell




Tuesday, October 28, 2014

This was May


And it is me
the sharp edges
the cold
desolate
my colors forlorn
there we are.

We are exactly were we want to be,
exactly!

Months later, a certain ordinary evening, a strip of light on the western horizon, just yesterday
the abundance of bones and backstrap, even flanks are glorious
knives being sharpened, that sound
If i only knew my self this intimately.
You know how big a liver is? Much larger then our large heart. Softer too.
And the toughness, so much beautiful smooth toughness in me too.

Ah and i whine i whine that certain needs no matter its abundance are not met.

I don't why so much pain over little things, why i dive into that pain and find nothing, just tears.
Waterfalls of it. Puddles, ponds, lakes full.

You know how much water a mountain holds?
 I don't, but i know it is a lot
a lot more then these few tears

Please, know my needs.

If i can't understand, maybe you can understand me.


Friday, October 10, 2014

and sunlight in big waves

Big tropical storm waves.
And how come his body carries that Californian heat, the fragrance of orange blossom in the warm air and the old dark shinny hardwood. Is that a memory i ever wrote about? Arriving in the heart of LA by train. The rose wood high backed benches at the station, are they still there? I know the light is, the light  when stepping outside, we coming all the way from Portland. And he the lover carried it all back in. And i gallop my black stallion bare back, naked in the forever bleak fields, first time ever and the rainbow reached me from all the way back east. He is so beautiful, how can a body be perfect like his?
Can you imagine being touched by glory? I wondered last night if we all don't almost die every single day. Awareness in those split seconds, creates all this light flooding in. And the mirrors reflecting it, and the magpies pick it up and carry it on. How can i breath calmly, who do i think i am? As we cross borders the love ripples on. Singing this i call the manes of  wild horses, they are back again. And the world was white and the heat where did it come from ? The dry grass, the dark nights once more again.
Just a dusting of tiny crystals in the sand.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

i have been thinking again

lol, i know
Still
It occurred to me that we are truly Nothing, the same as we are All.
It is just a thought.
A friend of my raised the idea this morning.

Wednesday i was in wilderness water land fallen trees thick willows, i did find one dried up black currant, black currants the goal of my trip. Walking on floating moss and sinking in too deep at the end just before a raise in the land.

I disagree a lot with people. I  can only hope they are okay with that, that they somehow circle elsewhere, where they know; agree disagree all good, all proof that we are alive.

The horses are here now, scared and curious at the same time, they.
Earlier  evening sun flooded over the white landscape.

This nothing some people talk about, that we are thoughts appear from emptiness.

Born as a human i am, i was saying i did come close to the feeling of dying a few times....didn't you? didn't we all?

When are we dead we asked this morning, and will something remain? for 4 minutes, for 5o days, longer yet, and after that?

The thought i had was this, yes , i am me,here in this body, could it be that i forever am a  different being, according to what this body gathers around it self, in it self. The spinning chakra changing, my energy for ever in motion

An older idea of mine is ( i don't think that these are just my ideas, they have been thought before i am sure, i just don't know by whom)
; That  our energy is the way we vibrate, by that we attract what is the same ( i know this  is science, Christopher you know what i mean yes?) And in the recognition we vibrate differently again.

Yet we are all totally One and the same

I some how get it, i feel it in my core, just can't explain it clearly yet, maybe you can, as you and i we vibrate on the same plane, i ith my stuff you with yours,let yours have the knowledge how to put words to it.

Now that 'll be cool :)

Galloping horses, cats skidding over the wood floor, a white bird flew by, a little hawk maybe