Sunday, September 21, 2014

Pondering

I said, to be continued, last time here,
more later, was what it was, i think.

It seemed so clear back then,
if i was on the verge of clarity.

Always always clarity seems to shift, i watch when i am aware, but what is this awareness?
somedays just saying, ha this is me, i am an observing being
other days the glory of it
but often i forget what it really means
or truly, i have no idea what it really means

It seems when putting words to it it changes it
of course inherently nothing ever changes

But there was a change!  Don asked me to a party, yes married 20 years i don't think it ever happened... where he was just able to say, "do you like to go to this party with me tonight?"
so i said yes, just for the sake of it. Often i can feel quite insecure at parties where i don't know anyone. Not this night. It was lovely, not in the sense that i had a great time, or that it was exceptionally fantastic in the way of a party. it was actually a typical party where i would have felt uncomfortable., for at least some of the time. Not this night.

That is a subtle change right?

The two writers on the subject of self inquiry, that i recently read. State that our thoughts appear from nothingness
And when you look for it they do
but to me they don't
Another book by yet another con-artist, 'Blink'. I say con artist, i don't think Papaji is but Michael Singer is and so is the writer of  Blink. Nevertheless they make valuable points.

And you probably call me names. What comes out anybodies mouth is often very contradictionary, never the less our thought, they more so, i have watch recently.

The point is, as i said a few days ago. At any point thoughts come to our mind,  maybe  seemingly out of nothing. But most of them are put in there by myself in some form.

Only once in a while i have totally random thoughts, more often pictures, asin lots of dreams, things that seem not to be part of my own experience.

I think this is all very well know by all of you, i am not speaking rocket science here.

Yet i think it is essential

I don't know how, that's All
 In the same way as; Why was i born with this body, to the parents i did, at the place i did, in the way i did.

I don't know all that!

Yes, i made choices that put me here now in this moment, typing. but how and why really?

Ahhh listening to the music of the movie Don is watching, i am choosing now to join him

tada and toodeloo






Monday, September 15, 2014

As i have a runny nose

and had a sore throat last night
and have been reading about enlightenment for.......33 years now.
Ha making the quick calculation, there is the answer; there i go, drawn into Joy,  i like the number 33 , i am a 33 and i live on lot 33.
More thoughts appear; Now is this bad or good  this coincidence or this number in it self or all these thoughts flooding in?

After reading what i have been reading in the last few weeks, i say it is neither good nor bad.

That i feel joy, that can't be bad, but it would be no different me feeling bad. It doesn't change a thing.

It doesn't change me.

What i am reading now is all about self inquiry.

I am That.

That is what appears before a thought, or is That where the thought appears from.

The silence in between the in and out breath, the out and in breath.

Breathing just happens it is of the body, no effort,
unless you can't.

I am not my body,
to me it does feel it is where i dwell, this particular body is mine, the one that has a runny nose now.

Reading Papaji, he seems to renounce everything, also this body we call our own...

When i listen for that stillness that is That according to Papaji and many more spiritual teachers.

I feel my body,
i hear,
and when my eyes open  i see things,
and not today, but i would smell things.

When i am focused on a task then it seems  i become less aware....

Not still actually, thoughts come and go.

Most of the time i am not bothered my thoughts

Papaji seem to suggest that thoughts are bothersome  ( i do love Papaji, he is a teacher of mine, for years)

At the moment, these weeks i am keeping watch for bothersome thoughts or contradictory ones for that matter.
Even when not most of the time, there are lots. Lots.

What i want to say to papaji ( not a real person in my life, just a spirtual teacher i am reading about)

I love my life, don't  you bother me

I know what Papaji would say;

"Well why are you here then? Carry on bravely for another cycle of a  few million years".......

Haha at least when we i stay unaware, the world is going nowhere, i know that much.

More on this another day.









Monday, September 8, 2014

sadness seeping in




what happens when the sadness seeps in?
my eyes will fill with tears
i will long for you
and look outside of me
a river on a road
a tree across a path
in the name of progress
anger wells up
did they block the natural flow of the creek?
there is a non trespassing sign on that tree.
remember that path?
all those blue butterflies sipping mud in the spring
where do they go now?
today was a day of full sun after frost
after rain
rain for days
rain rain non stop no trespassing rain
today a second brood of mourning cloaks
out in full force
a yard full of fluttering
bathing in sunshine
soaking up love
where are your strong arms?
that should comfort me
I get lost in a forest full of red
highbush cranberry smell, thick
big floating yellow below
small trembling yellow above
i did go to the stone today
one  rock was  heartshape i see now
a broken heart
she was so perfect
just like you
few things in life are a perfect fit
the grace that whatever it is,
it is always good
never anger, never sadness
no doubts, no fears
i tell you
life can be that way
i read today
the kiwi bird can't fly
because it had nothing to fear
is that supposed to be consoling me?
water didn't go over the rim of my boots
and it could have
because that was the last thing i cared about
i found the name of that tiny
true look alike
heartshaped seeds
i just followed a thought and there she was
out of nothing
there she was
gone again
and after 3 days in the rain
the white sheets
naturally bleached













Sunday, September 7, 2014

Loesje

She died,
We buried her this morning
beautifully.
We miss her.
She was the best.

I do want to share here, 
as i did not have much experience with dying pets.  maybe this is helpful for someone else.

Loesje  was 18 and a half, she had been growing old the last two years, 
It took her 5 days to die, i don't know if that is long or short. We were blessed that she stayed with us during those days. She was the kind of cat that easily could have retreated to be by herself for this.
As you read in the other post, she lost the ability to look after herself, on tuesday.
Not always was i in tune with what she needed, and i hate to say, but saturday evening i almost let her choke on her water. That was very hard for her and me, The agony  lasted less then 5 minutes, but it seemed very long. Luckily Don was home too, and before we made any rash decisions, she was calm again.
As the coughing smelled bad, i did move her to her basket by the woodstove, a favorite place of her.
At 11.30 pm she was still breathing peacefully, and now laying in a position that i had seen early this summer when i found a dead lynx.  Don said  he did hear something at some point during the early morning hours.
But when i got up at 8 or so, Loesje was still laying there so beautiful and peacefully really the same as in the eveing. I knew she was now gone, even if i couldn't tell if she was still breathing, Everybody laughed at me of course, saying that i wished i had Alexander's stethoscope. 

I am glad i did not take her to the vet, but it was hard at times, and i can totally understand if some people do.

Gosh Loes, all three of us, we loved you so much, always



Saturday, September 6, 2014

Loesje

My dear Loesje
She is 18 and a half.
Tuesday i think it was, she deteriorated rapidly, changing every hour.

I just want to keep a record here, for me and to share.
Her full story i will write later, her biography.

It is just that yesterday, she meowed and i understood.
Thursday i was away in the morning, but Don said he had helped her to drink.
In the afternoon and evening and night she still acknowledged me, seemed happy, almost purring when i first came home and stroked her. But other then looking at me,  she didn't move at all any more.

Yesterday i spend all day with her, yes she seemed to ask me for something and several times i have held her so she could drink. And then she gave this sharp meow, she didn't want to drink, so i carried her to her litter box, and she peed right away.

I wonder, no as long as she can ask me stuff and i by some good fortune can understand her needs, no i won't take her to the vet yet. But i do wonder, and i wonder is recovery possible? or how long can this take?

And again this morning she is still with us, when i woke up she told me she needed to go pee, and she did, again in her litterbox.

Very sad, not so beautiful anymore, now it takes so long.



Thursday, August 28, 2014

epiphanies

I have those weekly, always feel so great, thinking i know it all.
Haha life is such a joke.
The  last one: i realized it was me who suffered most and i know now.
I had a version of that one twenty some years ago sitting on a hill with Hetty Willemier.

But this one is the one!

And of course it is not me suffering most, i am especially blessed in life.
But i always have this excessive need of sleep. I think i got it! I will not sleep no more! Oh my god can you imagine the good life i will be living, no more wonderful cool sheets, finding a warm body in between them, oh glory, i give it all up for more energy.  I am talking nonsense of course.
The point is, i have found why i love falling in love, no more falling in love is necessary , i can just open my heart by myself, like everybody always does ( meaning you all knew that , while i suffered in silence)


And it all has to do with being aware.... that I AM the observer.. Now this moment, my fingers type  thoughts that I draw to the foreground of  my mind,  I am behind it all picking and choosing, loving or not, closing or opening, and the grass grows, and the music plays.

I can stop all the judgement in a single moment.

Glory, glory all is glory,
"wake up little Suzy
wake up!"

There is no suffering, none

Ha, and to know that when the wave crashes and washes over me, submerged in green water, not knowing if i ever breath again, which, don't worry, i will .


I am for real.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

when i am

when i am






tired like i am now and i already laid naked in the warm sun on the coarse gravels and the music is turned up too loud lola... and she walked up to me and when you really don't know what or where but it's summer because the sun is hot and the breeze is a cool dream


i have no idea what this could be growing among tiny eyebrights and willowherbs with heavy eyelashes when you can't follow me, neither can i the thing was it always takes me a little of guard when  they first see my killer legs in killer heels lololola and  only after they gather up an instant of courage to ask me to dance, they see i am tall, much taller then them its a culvert graveyard it's the blond that is beautiful until she speaks it's the ordinary that is most fortunate the ugly duckling believe me she is a top model and days go by and i forgot all about it sweet sweet caroline and wait this is what counts i am just me and he was well... wrong