Thursday, August 28, 2014


I have those weekly, always feel so great, thinking i know it all.
Haha life is such a joke.
The  last one: i realized it was me who suffered most and i know now.
I had a version of that one twenty some years ago sitting on a hill with Hetty Willemier.

But this one is the one!

And of course it is not me suffering most, i am especially blessed in life.
But i always have this excessive need of sleep. I think i got it! I will not sleep no more! Oh my god can you imagine the good life i will be living, no more wonderful cool sheets, finding a warm body in between them, oh glory, i give it all up for more energy.  I am talking nonsense of course.
The point is, i have found why i love falling in love, no more falling in love is necessary , i can just open my heart by myself, like everybody always does ( meaning you all knew that , while i suffered in silence)

And it all has to do with being aware.... that I AM the observer.. Now this moment, my fingers type  thoughts that I draw to the foreground of  my mind,  I am behind it all picking and choosing, loving or not, closing or opening, and the grass grows, and the music plays.

I can stop all the judgement in a single moment.

Glory, glory all is glory,
"wake up little Suzy
wake up!"

There is no suffering, none

Ha, and to know that when the wave crashes and washes over me, submerged in green water, not knowing if i ever breath again, which, don't worry, i will .

I am for real.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

when i am

when i am

tired like i am now and i already laid naked in the warm sun on the coarse gravels and the music is turned up too loud lola... and she walked up to me and when you really don't know what or where but it's summer because the sun is hot and the breeze is a cool dream

i have no idea what this could be growing among tiny eyebrights and willowherbs with heavy eyelashes when you can't follow me, neither can i the thing was it always takes me a little of guard when  they first see my killer legs in killer heels lololola and  only after they gather up an instant of courage to ask me to dance, they see i am tall, much taller then them its a culvert graveyard it's the blond that is beautiful until she speaks it's the ordinary that is most fortunate the ugly duckling believe me she is a top model and days go by and i forgot all about it sweet sweet caroline and wait this is what counts i am just me and he was well... wrong

Thursday, July 24, 2014

metamorphic rock

the water is rippled
all the things i want to tell you
they elude me now
following footsteps on bare rock
there are only traces left
from 15.000 years ago
that's young we learn
in geology class
sometimes my mind is bubbling over
now it's dark red
slightly sticky
as popping bubbles in fir tree bark
when the water's calm
i wonder about justice
seeking justice does start wars
the black lake is so deep
i just can't see my own reflection
when there is no more words, no ripples
and no justice and your skin
pressed against mine
we metamorph
Now That is pure Joy

Monday, July 21, 2014


 What is a reasonable
amount of time
to spend loving
What is the bare minimum?

I love me 
i love the evening sun
the birds singing
but when your grown-up child left home
your husband still works long hours
and you find your self alone

How much time is necessary
per day
to spend deeply
with an other

to actually live wholesomely?

tattered and torn

The brilliance of the inside
is showing through. 
Growing weary.
Confidence in life
in loving
wears off.
When you don't tell me me every single day
i just don't know.
Patching up takes hours
again and again.
Life lessons that just don't stick too well.
i come to you.

Opening my wings

i  fly.

Friday, July 4, 2014


my beautiful lover
most beautiful of all
i dance for you 
always spinning
rain trashing down
rocks falling down the mountain 
boulders the size of treasure chests
i adore you
the sky is turning
your eyes 
a lovely light brown mystery
that i belong in
your hair raven black waves
that i get lost in
don't you know 
that all my madness 
is a crazy witch hunt
i twirl again  
send me your music
sing it loud
so i will know
and i will find you
and we will dance together
and there is love that always was
you most handsome
that is what pulcherrima means

both photos are not polemonium pulcherrimum
top - wild blue flax
middle - northern jacob's ladder

the rain grew tired 
all was water now
the boulders larger
made up the ocean floor
deep deep down
don't ask me to get up again
i am safe here
underneath everything that exist

Friday, June 27, 2014


I feel bad for my dear old blog.
When life was simple, all i wrote went on my blog (or  my diary). Now i have so many avenues..... even facebook.