Friday, October 10, 2014

and sunlight in big waves

Big tropical storm waves.
And how come his body carries that Californian heat, the fragrance of orange blossom in the warm air and the old dark shinny hardwood. Is that a memory i ever wrote about? Arriving in the heart of LA by train. The rose wood high backed benches at the station, are they still there? I know the light is, the light  when stepping outside, we coming all the way from Portland. And he the lover carried it all back in. And i gallop my black stallion bare back, naked in the forever bleak fields, first time ever and the rainbow reached me from all the way back east. He is so beautiful, how can a body be perfect like his?
Can you imagine being touched by glory? I wondered last night if we all don't almost die every single day. Awareness in those split seconds, creates all this light flooding in. And the mirrors reflecting it, and the magpies pick it up and carry it on. How can i breath calmly, who do i think i am? As we cross borders the love ripples on. Singing this i call the manes of  wild horses, they are back again. And the world was white and the heat where did it come from ? The dry grass, the dark nights once more again.
Just a dusting of tiny crystals in the sand.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

i have been thinking again

lol, i know
It occurred to me that we are truly Nothing, the same as we are All.
It is just a thought.
A friend of my raised the idea this morning.

Wednesday i was in wilderness water land fallen trees thick willows, i did find one dried up black currant, black currants the goal of my trip. Walking on floating moss and sinking in too deep at the end just before a raise in the land.

I disagree a lot with people. I  can only hope they are okay with that, that they somehow circle elsewhere, where they know; agree disagree all good, all proof that we are alive.

The horses are here now, scared and curious at the same time, they.
Earlier  evening sun flooded over the white landscape.

This nothing some people talk about, that we are thoughts appear from emptiness.

Born as a human i am, i was saying i did come close to the feeling of dying a few times....didn't you? didn't we all?

When are we dead we asked this morning, and will something remain? for 4 minutes, for 5o days, longer yet, and after that?

The thought i had was this, yes , i am me,here in this body, could it be that i forever am a  different being, according to what this body gathers around it self, in it self. The spinning chakra changing, my energy for ever in motion

An older idea of mine is ( i don't think that these are just my ideas, they have been thought before i am sure, i just don't know by whom)
; That  our energy is the way we vibrate, by that we attract what is the same ( i know this  is science, Christopher you know what i mean yes?) And in the recognition we vibrate differently again.

Yet we are all totally One and the same

I some how get it, i feel it in my core, just can't explain it clearly yet, maybe you can, as you and i we vibrate on the same plane, i ith my stuff you with yours,let yours have the knowledge how to put words to it.

Now that 'll be cool :)

Galloping horses, cats skidding over the wood floor, a white bird flew by, a little hawk maybe

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The upbeat energy of yesterday

is gone. After sleeping my regular hours last night, after doing my regular, i am in love with life, doings. After doing some of my chores in tune with oneness with a certain pleasure, i  laid down in sun light and fell asleep. I do not like that, i hate that, i have to shake my self out of that, i do not want to be there.
Fear of sleeping my life away?  Is it loneliness? is it deep down low self-esteem? Yes, that most of all.
The world so glorious around me. This early winter, which is only winter because the trees have dropped their leaves. The bleak dark landscape is fantastical topped by white, black striped, mountains. My stalker found a blue flower, i the one being stalked found a tiny  yellow one, a crowfoot. Both poisonous i suspect.

The cat says hi, the fox turned wolf, the horses wild again.

I can postpone my feelings forever.  If i  want.
It is hard no-path because to be on a path like that , one has to be very smart, have a lot of knowledge. And i know that no matter how smart, how knowledgeable, even the genius doesn't know it all, even whatever she/he is a genius at, still falling short.

My ear starts to popping. What is that all about? I did poke my eye this morning. It hurt a lot.

My body starts gaining energy it wants to do chores again, move with purpose, get it all clean.
Up and down, in and out. There is a longing now to throw my self into that uncomfortable feeling that i don't know.
Oh my god oh my dear god. You are so beautiful.! I mean that  lover of mine, i mean that wild horse snorting at me, i mean that uneasiness that is most horrible because i can't grasp it. Not painful enough for piercing screams, oh dear god, why am i so blessed that i have no tears.
Again i can live with me, me not being good enough for me and all that.
The joke of it all, now; late sun in bright patches on the dark mountain sides
I'll vacuum clean.

Friday, October 3, 2014

a memory of hot sun rays penetrating my skin.

No-path is quite lovely indeed, it means i can start summer today.
A fox sat on the steps.  An almost surreal experience to have a fox for pet for one day. I do not like a fox' face, i do like it's tail. You think i can write a book this way?
The question really; do i think i can write a book this way? I like to write a book this way. As i will always long to keep driving when driving 1000 miles, or keep walking when walking 10 hours. Should 1000 miles mean something , because now it is followed by 10 hours, in the story when properly written this way this idea should come in threes and  now there should  be only 1 me.
If i only could come up with more then one me. You might know my desire for wanting to write fiction. Why is it darker in the open field than it is in the thick spruce forest. I know why;  when you would cut open all these  trees, the wood is almost white, pure light and  golden sap. I have four horses tonight, and that fox for a pet. An old dark stallion, and a family of 3, the mare, her foal and a male. And then the thought of my lover drifts into my mind, his mane flowing, the most beautiful of shiny black hair, so soft, tie me up in these locks, let me drown in your sweat, from all your hard work just for me.  And the waves of the sea crashing on the beach, erratic, not so calm tonight, almost building up to some kind of  tragedy, or exhilaration! surprisingly.
So lovely this no-path, the wind rattles the chimes, and there is no story, no beginning, no end, no suspense, how lovely, how lovely, to be all soft and laying in the warm sand on this first day of summer. You, there is only you i can think of.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The path

We follow a path
it is a long path, the surroundings are beautifully bleak.
At some point we thought the path led us a different way then that we wanted to go, so we left the path and we will not know unless we go back one day and keep following the path, where the path would have taken us.

I wonder am i always on a path?  A path to become healthier or wealthier or more aware or....

It was such a change leaving the path; it was so beautiful, i was  more One with my surroundings, the earth under my feet soft, not hardened by the path, the colors of the earth i walked on more visible, lots of hues of colors in the bleak and dreary. most beautiful..
Sometimes the travelling harder, but mostly more joyful, there was a little meandering creek to step over, total glory.

Coming to the ridge, the wind blows wildly, we can lean in the wind, the glory of it, our bodies cold when we stop, no time to rest, Taking it all in at such moment is hard, hairs blowing in our face, just within reach peaks calling our name.
 We quickly eat lunch behind a rock face , from here we turn back, this is good enough.
soon we find a calmer route, and the beauty of  it.

Easily we find the path again to return home.

The long long path.

What i felt strongly here today, relating to my recent spiritual journey;

-Get off the path when you can-

But i was totally wrong, i do not think the others really cared or even noticed, but i was totally off in my directions and distance and sense of time. At one point the sun was in the wrong location, i did not even notice. Just aware of the sun peeking through, always with me no matter if i am right or wrong.


Sunday, September 21, 2014


I said, to be continued, last time here,
more later, was what it was, i think.

It seemed so clear back then,
if i was on the verge of clarity.

Always always clarity seems to shift, i watch when i am aware, but what is this awareness?
somedays just saying, ha this is me, i am an observing being
other days the glory of it
but often i forget what it really means
or truly, i have no idea what it really means

It seems when putting words to it it changes it
of course inherently nothing ever changes

But there was a change!  Don asked me to a party, yes married 20 years i don't think it ever happened... where he was just able to say, "do you like to go to this party with me tonight?"
so i said yes, just for the sake of it. Often i can feel quite insecure at parties where i don't know anyone. Not this night. It was lovely, not in the sense that i had a great time, or that it was exceptionally fantastic in the way of a party. it was actually a typical party where i would have felt uncomfortable., for at least some of the time. Not this night.

That is a subtle change right?

The two writers on the subject of self inquiry, that i recently read. State that our thoughts appear from nothingness
And when you look for it they do
but to me they don't
Another book by yet another con-artist, 'Blink'. I say con artist, i don't think Papaji is but Michael Singer is and so is the writer of  Blink. Nevertheless they make valuable points.

And you probably call me names. What comes out anybodies mouth is often very contradictionary, never the less our thought, they more so, i have watch recently.

The point is, as i said a few days ago. At any point thoughts come to our mind,  maybe  seemingly out of nothing. But most of them are put in there by myself in some form.

Only once in a while i have totally random thoughts, more often pictures, asin lots of dreams, things that seem not to be part of my own experience.

I think this is all very well know by all of you, i am not speaking rocket science here.

Yet i think it is essential

I don't know how, that's All
 In the same way as; Why was i born with this body, to the parents i did, at the place i did, in the way i did.

I don't know all that!

Yes, i made choices that put me here now in this moment, typing. but how and why really?

Ahhh listening to the music of the movie Don is watching, i am choosing now to join him

tada and toodeloo

Monday, September 15, 2014

As i have a runny nose

and had a sore throat last night
and have been reading about enlightenment for.......33 years now.
Ha making the quick calculation, there is the answer; there i go, drawn into Joy,  i like the number 33 , i am a 33 and i live on lot 33.
More thoughts appear; Now is this bad or good  this coincidence or this number in it self or all these thoughts flooding in?

After reading what i have been reading in the last few weeks, i say it is neither good nor bad.

That i feel joy, that can't be bad, but it would be no different me feeling bad. It doesn't change a thing.

It doesn't change me.

What i am reading now is all about self inquiry.

I am That.

That is what appears before a thought, or is That where the thought appears from.

The silence in between the in and out breath, the out and in breath.

Breathing just happens it is of the body, no effort,
unless you can't.

I am not my body,
to me it does feel it is where i dwell, this particular body is mine, the one that has a runny nose now.

Reading Papaji, he seems to renounce everything, also this body we call our own...

When i listen for that stillness that is That according to Papaji and many more spiritual teachers.

I feel my body,
i hear,
and when my eyes open  i see things,
and not today, but i would smell things.

When i am focused on a task then it seems  i become less aware....

Not still actually, thoughts come and go.

Most of the time i am not bothered my thoughts

Papaji seem to suggest that thoughts are bothersome  ( i do love Papaji, he is a teacher of mine, for years)

At the moment, these weeks i am keeping watch for bothersome thoughts or contradictory ones for that matter.
Even when not most of the time, there are lots. Lots.

What i want to say to papaji ( not a real person in my life, just a spirtual teacher i am reading about)

I love my life, don't  you bother me

I know what Papaji would say;

"Well why are you here then? Carry on bravely for another cycle of a  few million years".......

Haha at least when we i stay unaware, the world is going nowhere, i know that much.

More on this another day.