Friday, February 13, 2015

Flaky

My friend, she must think me flaky. But i like it light. i like the book i started writing ( yes:) to be light, my articles are light and surely my writings here, they never go to terrible things. You know sometimes i fall apart from loving too much. How could i handle darkness? My mom told me today as she has told me before, you were either great joy or deeply silent, grim or grave. I wasn't there to observe it, so i don't know what i was, also i have nothing to compare me too. If depression entered in our genes it didn't come in through mom. I know the great joy part, i can relate to that. What can i say when i love too much? and... we had so much fun last night, another friend the one who shares my lightness. I friggin love it how we are. You do not see it in movies or on tv,  i wonder if one can read it in books? How can you write when... you know? there is an edge in you in me, in all the others, the missing link. Don and i, where are so good these days. We have a weekly date now, friday nights he rubs my feet while we watch  a dvd. Not willingly. But it was my ultimatum, "you are my husband, you can friggin once a week rub my feet. " that's it. And he does. It is amazing. Not that he hardly ever rubs my feet, i might even get more pedicural attention, from him, than most. I need so much loving, i don't understand, why i am not adored every single moment of the day. How can you think it is okay to not worship me continuously. Already if you gave me just a little more as you are giving me now, i would be happy. No not depressed, i haven't been for a long time, too much energy running through me continuously these days. We laughed so much, Don and i too tonight, about the movie. but i fall apart for touch, my skin is never saturated enough, i don't know why i choose the desert to be my favorite landscape, the 40 below my temperature. To have a friend is such a blessing, to have a human being  around ones own being for even a little bit of the time. I hear Don flip the pages. he loves that book that my not so flaky friend gave me. I could not possibly read it, actually i know my mother likes tragic books too, my light friend likes horror movies. I don't get it. Like i say, when i love a person, which i often do, i do have a good gene for loving easily. So to continue about that thought i had, that everybody in real life is rather weird, never in movies, they always play their part perfect. People must have tried to make movies that portray real people, but maybe even than it becomes a character. Never in my life. I don't even know me, least of all do i know you. Yet i love you with all my heart, i would do anything for you, but somehow i always end up with lovers who do not need my constant devotion, "just let me read." Please feel blessed when you have a lover that always needs you, that you can dote on him or her everywhere and all the time. I somehow never catch those kind of guys. My life is perfect, can you imagine, the cold night, the warm fire, candlelight and wine keys clicking, papers swishing..... If only your skin would touch mine.... It is a rather screaming tantalizing horror feeling, i won't say it, but you know my mantra from... that dark side.. that i know, just not very well.
hahaha if you get the joke of posting such a screaming picture now, you maybe do understand me a little bit.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

halos

When you lay on your back in your warm suit on the snow,
NOW at this moment,
you might see this.

three sundog, in a halo around the sun
and  a sundog  from a second halo exactly overhead.

I found their names;
The one in between the trees is a sun dog.
The one above the sun is the upper tangent arc.
The one overhead (left top corner of picture) is a circumzenithal arc.

Friday, February 6, 2015

your heat, my winter

let me put some pink in no color
there is not much going on
here
right now
of course there is a lot going on, the cat is still awake, nibbling on some cat food, the fridge is kicking in, the wood stove is making sounds because i turned it down, stoves do that.
and what else? I hear Don's heavy breathing, he just went to bed a minute ago and is already sleeping. My heart beats fast, i wonder if i am always in survival mode, and if it ever will beat normal. The cat tries to get in between me and keyboard. now that is a little irritating.

I could write here about what works for me lately. Of course it is all very relative, because life happens as it does. Would it be better if i was totally different; a perfectionist or extremely slow?  We will never know.Well i do know because i am perfectionist and i am extremely slow.

I am the ultimate perfectionist, i am going nowhere.
so slow,  that sometimes i seem ahead of my time.

Still
i would like to tell you my secret
by now after reading this long introduction 
that i just write to get my fingers typing,
by now you might not put much value in it.

Still 
i like it
my own way
which has been tried by many before me and being found worthy.

And it has been brought to me by that book of Michael Singer, the untethered mind.
And i think i already have a post about it, nevertheless
here it is again.

The essence of it all to go with the flow and feel content, happy they call it.

So something happens in life
something bad
something that triggers us
something that creates disturbing feelings.

The first thing is to be aware of it, easier said then done, but i found practice makes perfect.

So in my head, i say to myself

now! Jozien tada! you got it!
 This a moment i feel..... irritated.
Back there the cat.
 Then i explore that feeling;
 where did i feel like this first?
Anything to open my heart to that feeling.
Feel it.
Let it pass through.
Now the cat, i love my cat, but i have done this with other things and sometimes it hurts a lot.
A LOT
Maybe go somewhere where you can curl in a ball, or whatever way comes to your mind at that moment.

When i actually do reach this point, next time i will applaud myself here while in tears, because i am
AWARE
at this moment
that i have these emotions.
I the observer.

And that is actually it.
I have found over and over
that the sun starts shining,
things that seemed so wrong, suddenly become right.

I did put the cat on the floor, i do do or say what seems right in that moment.
But often when possible i wait, because it takes a lot of processing for me, that awareness thing.

Now the trick is to not count on that it turns right,
because it is all in the eye of the beholder,
 what makes you upset might give another joy.

And what we learned from the course in miracles way back in them days is here true too
 in the end there is only ourselves to forgive.

hey i am okay with that. I am happy and all is perfect.
 Just the way it is

Try it out if you like.


Febr. 7 This morning  i woke up with a slight headache,  and was wondering in this way that i explained here. Then i thought; oh, maybe simpler is to just drink a glass of water. Which i did not do. Being in half sleep state, i kind of knew of which thoughts to let go, which i did. I forgot which ones as  something about feeling bad about nothing, i think i choose to be happy. Anyway there is a slight lingering of my headache, you probably know that feeling. But the headache is gone.
I did my morning stuff, and i get a phone call.
While talking on the phone i get upset, but not wanting to show it too much, i say things like,i don't understand it, good luck, i love you. I think it showed :)
The thing is i am not fully aware, standing back from my own feelings, as an observer. It is never too late, and i do that after. It is a tight feeling in my chest and throat.
I say to my self open your heart to it Jozien. But i can't really find the feeling, i keep wanting to say to the person, what the heck are you doing? I keep wanting to go in to the story of she is wrong and i am right. If the world only did it my way all would be well. So i become aware of that,open my heart to that. But then i start talking to my husband, and when talking it is very easy to go into the story. ( Which takes me away from what is really going on inside of me)
So i thought i better write it down here, so i know the process.

pause

to be cont.

two hours later. It is a happy morning. What always is amazing that life rushes in so easily and takes over. For me important to reflect.
And with all of this i think we all have to find our own way, what works for us. And you know if it works when you
FEEL BETTER

which can always mean many things, i also felt better, because i got a skype call, from somebody.. who was sharing with me some happy news, which makes me very happy.

Anyway before all that, i did get a chance to go deeper. I bring back the upsetting feeling, Asking myself , where did this start? The subtle answer to that was, somewhere childhood, different instances different situations. But i did touch upon that little girl deep hurt feeling, not knowing quite what. For me to go to the deep end, makes me think i am moving through it. Whatever really it is all in the mind. One day i  might not have to go to feeling of deep hurt, because it is well kind of, inflicting pain on myself.

So there, morning is glory
40 below here :)

ehhh the feeling had to do with  getting reprimanded, but also me the angel and my brother getting blamed for something, it made me feel superior.. probably not in a good way. I never worry so much about the feeling guilt, but i do want to say sorry about that, to my brother ( in my heart). I haven't quite figured it out. I don't think i necessarily have to understand the story, the story not so important.

To the glory of all!














Saturday, January 31, 2015

Cerebral


I kind of think i know what that word means now. I think it means from the brain, from thinking.

This also a continuation of the last post, the yin yang part.

All very cerebral i suppose.

What i would like my writing to be is NOT Cerebral
I would like it to come from my gut.
Or even from my feet, what they sense from the Earth, as my friend Mary Whitley experiences.

So last night i had a dream

I put this group of kids on the ferry. They are a group of young adults with mental challenges ( do  they call it now,extraordinary conditions?) They are going on a trip and will meet with the leaders somewhere across the waterway. An hour later they are back. The weather has changed  i think, i don't really understand what they say. And rush them onto next ferry with extra clothing, as they can still be in time. I worried about the money they paid to go on this trip and now they almost miss out on it.

An hour later they are back again.

They tell me calmly. Jozien you did not get it, because the weather changed we all decided we did not want to go anymore.

So i just rushed them onto that ferry without really listening.

Next  dream, I overhear a conversation, where some one is explaining that two people were arguing and they could not understand eachother because their thoughts on the subject they came from two opposite sides of the brain. They being two extreme people in that way.
I said something that i understood it and that i could not understand why would that make them fight, as it just being the way it  is.
The person said to me. That Jozien is exactly is why you don't get it, you are extreme on the one side, your thoughts coming from an extreme side of the brain.


What the heck?

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

snow & light

it is still dark out,
darker as usual as it is snowing now
this mild winter, with little snow
this photo was taken September 30, 2014
our first snow this winter

Recently someone made me aware that the increase in light is greater in the afternoon as it is in the morning.
I found this chart on the Internet, which does show just that... Why is that?

Whitehorse
DateSunriseSunsetSunlightTwilightNatural Illumination
January 110:0915:585.811.977.78
February 109:1917:107.851.629.48
March 107:5818:2810.501.4211.93
April 106:2219:4713.421.4714.89
May 104:5221:0416.191.8618.06
June 103:4122:1718.593.1921.79
July 103:3522:3318.973.9822.95
August 104:3721:3416.942.0919.02
September 105:5520:0414.151.5315.68
October 107:0018:3011.371.4112.78
November 108:2716:598.531.5510.08
December 109:4315:566.221.888.10

Sunday, January 11, 2015

scaling that vertical rock face

you asked me too and i did
this morning when i woke up
i was the child i used to be
i was in my old bedroom
it lasted for a few seconds
today we live in a fog
in and out, rising and descending
yesterday i came out above the clouds
when i am in town
i write witty stories
often quite sexually charged
when i write for the paper
i write true accounts,
nothing made up
other than the odd private joke
that only you and i know
in my diary
i write incomprehensibly
skipping all that doesn't matter
all that is left
is that i will die
eventually
here on blog
i used to write those true accounts
without the jokes
now, here, i practice
for who i am
with or without you
dead or alive

Of course, why would anyone want to read the above. I can make it  more interesting.( hopefully) I often think there is are hilarious, fantastical, exciting things happening in every single day. let me try.

Today kind of a dreary day. All that about the fog was very true. Everything i write is very true, always.
I inside behind the computer. My husband outside splitting wood. Dense, very hard and heavy spruce, bug kill. When you would come over to my place today, you would hear the sound of  the axe hitting the wood and a minute later the rattling of keyboard keys. In between you would find something odd. Something laying on the steps. You might have to step over it.  I can imagine you giving it a glance, wrinkling up your nose.

I tell you, they are rabbit guts. In another piece of writing, i made it sound like two unrelated things where related. I was the huntress and there, once upon a time, was a rabbit. And in order i was officially named; Royal Rabbit Gut Puller. The real story maybe less exciting, i leave that up to you.

Friday, Don and i went bison hunting. (I know, Don already got his bison, but now it is my turn. But that is another story.) As the hunt Friday was unsuccessful, we knew of place where he could go and cut some good wood, to at least come home with something. And i could climb, surely, the vertical rock face. ( you have to make these stories somehow fit together to create a comprehensible existence, yes?)

You know, truly truly, i am hoping today, on this dreary day, that my latest lover will come by and play the grand piano for me.

Back to  rabbit guts. As i put them on the steps Saturday morning, by now the magpies have pecked at them and the contents, yellow brown bits of dry grass in a soupy consistence, are spilling out. and a little hole is pecked at the tissue in between the large intestines and the small ones.

Claude Debussy now playing for me. The cat, again, jumping on my lap, cat hairs on my keyboard.

Friday; While Don cut wood, I followed an elusive man's snowshoe tracks up the mountain, towards the rockface. Elusive, as i did actually meet this man for real. Nevertheless i did so in a haze of alcohol, marijuana and lots of laughter. At this moment i can't even remember his name, and have no idea where or what he is. But for real it were his tracks, i know that for a fact., trust me on that one.

A lynx and a coyote had also followed his trail, as in the snow many stories are recorded. Suddenly there was a commotion in the recording, i left the snowshoe trail and followed the lynx. I came out by a kill side, bits of rabbit hair,  drops of blood and this big fist sized... something. It smelled awful and was bloody.  Me not wanting to make presumptions, slid it in my coat pocket. Yes, i am sorry i do do things like that.

I climbed the rock face, partly. The next day we did go back and i climbed to where you see it in the photo.

At home after thawing it out and prodding it, i too concluded; indeed these are rabbit guts. whereupon i place them on the outside steps, where they will remain till.... they are gone.

Now that was one story of numerous stories like it that make up a day.


Hope you like it.











Sunday, December 14, 2014

red kites in winter

I enter through the cave far out in the wide open field, i must have written about this place before, it is a dreamspace i sometimes visit. As it is with dreams one never knows when the next visit will be and how it will be that night in bright daylight. If there is ice on the river or not. If i have to cross it to a more familiar place, a place remembered from childhood, or if i just ride the white water through the narrowest of gap, where it is never dark. It's a river underground. I am somewhat scared but i know i have been there before, and i know i will be safe. Different then the blue sky above, i only go there when i am lucid, more on purpose, but i haven't been lucid for a long time. The sky, my wings amazing, but it is always trouble in my sky there are electrical wires i have to avoid. I better stay indoors, aerial dancing underneath big vaulted ceilings. The dancing always indoors, i do it to impress people. Not the flying, that is out there in the open, all by myself, happily. The underground river i often am there with others, but not really connected to them or concerned with them. They are just there as i am there. Yesterday i was chopped up, my limbs separated. It was fine, i was totally fine that way. The next night i was a teacher, i saw how my colleagues prepared this class to make bright red kites from newspapers. The kids were quite happy to not have the theory which my classes are full of, in which i come unprepared to teach them. Unpreparedness is the theme in any school related dream. These places really not as far removed from reality as my real reality. After a walk in the dark on the snow road through the forest i stepped in the shop and there was Don awake dreaming, i stood with him we shared a beer, we are an almost extinct species Don, we are dinosaurs Jozien. We do talk over skype with Jim in the Philippines we hear the roosters crowing. Our house in the middle of a forever forest that is forever blanketed in white this year. We haul water from the creek we chop wood from the forest surrounding our house, but these are chores far removed when i sit here behind the computer in my warm and cozy place, i do get hot flashes nowadays, Don snoring. The kids in the Philippines play basketball on the street every evening. I do wonder about kids here these days, kids attached to their iPads,beautiful kids teenagers to their iPhones, gorgeous teenagers, well to do adults attached to their pill boxes. Maybe it is all different dreamspaces. Nothing to be worried about, i know they are not.